A Pop Junkie’s Guide to the Apocalypse

Some claim it will be on May 21, 2011. Others say it will be December 2012. Still others say it will be when Sarah Palin is elected president. Regardless of the theories, one thing is agreed upon by most people who have very little faith in logic: the world is destined for a sudden, instant, fiery end, and God is behind the trigger. Normally, I am not one for Doomsday theories, but when a narcissistic crackpot fresh off the pulpit of the First United Baptist Loony bin emerges to tell us that May 21 is the day God will officially turn his back on the Earth and take his chosen few with him, proper attention must be paid.

I don’t know much about Heaven. For that matter I don’t know much about Hell, either. I don’t know if mine will be a soul that deserves saving or if I am destined to ride shotgun with the Dark Lord for all eternity. All I know is that at some point in my life I have eaten meat on a Friday, I have used the Lord’s name in vein, I have neglected to observe the Sabbath day and keep it holy, and I have never once confessed my sins and asked for forgiveness.

On the other hand, I have never killed, raped, committed adultery or coveted another man’s wife. I do honor my parents, I usually treat others the way I would want to be treated, I let my neighbors bear their own false witness if it please them, and I have never worn an Ed Hardy shirt. One time I jumped out of my car in the middle of a blizzard to dig a guy’s car out of a snow bank, so I have that going for me, but who knows if that is enough for eternal salvation. I am not a gambling man, but if Jesus does come back any time soon to start kicking ass and taking names, odds are the cards are stacked against me, and the dealer always wins.

Maybe the world will end on May 21. Maybe the sky will turn black and seas will boil. But maybe they won’t. Maybe, as the Mayan scholars suggest, the Earth will be reborn. Maybe all evil will vanish and the meek will inherit the Earth as Jesus promised in that fateful Sermon on the Mount. But maybe not. It is important to remember that someday the world will end one way or another. Whether you are a student of science, a devote believer in the divine, or one of the billions in between, common rationale tells us that someday the sun will burn itself out. Someday life on this planet will no longer exist. Someday a series of events will occur that will render the world extinct, and the theoretical cause of such an event is between you and your faith alone. One thing is for sure, though: if I happen to see four horsemen riding though the streets leaving a wake of conquest, war, famine, and death, I want to make sure my iPod is loaded with a playlist to keep me occupied in that great big waiting room in the sky marked “Purgatory”.

Lists like this are difficult because no one wants to be like a bad DJ who only plays the songs he wants to hear and wonders why he isn’t getting calls to play the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah. You also don't want to be like a narcissistic music journalists out to exert a smug sense of self-proclaimed musical superiority by listing songs no one has ever heard of. The goal here is to create a list for the common man. A list of music almost everyone knows and can relate to. To re-identify music we all know by heart to make it Apocalypse-ready.  And if my contribution to mankind is providing the soundtrack to Jesus Christ’s great “Welcome Back” party, then I can spend the next 5 months being tormented by locusts in peace. And now for your reading pleasure: The Top 25 Songs For The Apocalypse

25) Like A Prayer - Madonna

                When I think of a figure that encompasses the essence of modern Christianity in every shape and form, I think of Madonna. And when I think of a pop princess who owned the 1980’s with a series of controversial songs, videos, and stage antics, which absolutely defy every word of the Canonical Gospels, I think of … Madonna. But even those of us with checkered reputations and questionable morals can still have a connection to the great music critic in the sky. Madonna’s version of God is an interesting one: omnipresent, yet understated. Quiet, yet powerful. “Like a child you whisper softly to me/you’re in control just like a child”. An appropriate image for anyone who has questioned His existence. God’s message is not always clearly pronounced. We don’t get 24-hour news updates on his plan. There is no Google alert app to alert us of His latest move, but He is all around us if we stop and listen.  Reminiscent of The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin who addressed the story of his life in the form of a letter to his son, Madonna went ahead and composed her letter to the only being that matters, with a single unaccompanied spoken “God”, just in case there was any question about who she was talking about.  

Added Bonus:

In 1989 the song’s video was too much for Pepsi to handle, but if my tenure in Atlanta has taught me anything it is that God is a Coke drinker. 

24) Swing Low Sweet Chariot – Eric Clapton

                If the Rapture is anything like the smooth, mellow sounds of Eric Clapton’s recording of this early 20^th century African-American spiritual, then there may be hope for us all yet. It has been recorded in whole or in part by over 60 artists since 1909 making it one of those songs everyone knows the words to in case you were thinking of starting your very own “Purgatory sing-a-long”, but personal preference is for Clapton’s 1975 reggae-esque recording. The rules of redemption are not entirely clear, but we as a people need to believe that we can all be saved, otherwise what is the point? This is the kind of song that reminds us that our God is a merciful one and we all have the capacity to feel His love if we can just get the reggae guitar riff right.

23) Hell’s Bells – AC/DC

                Familyradio.com estimates that approximately 200,000,000 people will be taken up and given eternal life in Heaven. That is about 3% of the world’s population. If this is true, then the other 97% are going to need an anthem too. Something with a good beat that we can dance to. Though it may be considered relatively tame by today’s standards, Hell’s Bells offers the perfect soundscape for God’s neglected children. Hell’s Bells is the song I envision being played while Beelzebub himself scorches the Earth from behind the wheel of his lamp black hearse with wheels of fire. Much of the AC/DC catalogue offers perfectly acceptable follow-up songs in the same vein as Hell’s Bells including Highway to Hell and Back In Black. If you are certain you will be left behind in May, you are still going to be stuck on Earth to be tormented until late October, and there is nothing worse than having to repeat the same song for 5 straight months. You are going to want to be prepared.      

22) Come Sail Away – Styx

                Let’s remember for a moment that Christianity is not the only religious movement with an ultimate endgame, and we owe it to Scientology to give them their day in the sun. While Come Sail Away is packaged as a nice metaphor for leaving Earth and traveling to God’s Kingdom led by his one and only son, but it is packaged better as a LITERAL interpretation of L. Ron Hubbard’s dogmatic theory of spacecrafts returning to Earth to rescue Thetans and reuniting them with the Galactic Confederacy led by Xenu. All due respect to Scientology, but if the latter sentence doesn’t make you laugh, I am giving up show business. While, as a song, it is pretty hard to take seriously, God, no doubt, has a sense of humor, and playing it is sure to put a smile on His face which may go a long way. Just don’t repeat it too many times as he is also vengeful and has unspeakable powers.

21) Amazing Grace – Elvis

                Let’s forget for a moment that the author of Amazing Grace was directly involved in the slave trade of the late 18^th century and was surely responsible for some of the most reprehensible acts of human misery mankind has ever known (certainly the Christian Church has already forgotten. Ba-Zing!). Let us look at Amazing Grace for what it is: the most well-known Christian Hymn about repentance for a sinful life and reaffirmation in the one true God. While a little on the clichéd side, this list could not be considered complete without it. It is probably easier to list artists who have not recorded their own versions of the song, but since we are creating an homage to the one true King in the sky, the best bet is to offer up the version by the one true King here on Earth. To be fair, including Elvis is something of a gamble. It is hard to say what God thinks of Elvis and his false Idolatry especially when considering that Elvis’ final moments were served sitting on a toilet, and what kind of merciful God allows that to happen?

20) Ain’t Too Proud To Beg – The Temptations

                If the Greeks taught us one thing about the Gods, it is that they are not wild about pride. If Catholicism has taught us one thing it is that a place in Heaven can be earned by admitting sins and praying for forgiveness, and with that, I offer you Ain’t Too Proud To Beg. The message is simple: there is nothing I wouldn’t give to be embraced by your love, and what savior wouldn’t want to hear that? Sure this may be an 11^th hour confession, but some things are truly better late than never. If it is the difference between an eternity relaxing on a cloud versus an eternity of little guys in red pajamas poking me with pitchforks, I am not above sacrificing my pride and groveling for forgiveness.     

19) Louie Louie – The Kingsmen

                To suggest that Louie Louie is best served as a drunken fraternity anthem is misguided. To claim no one actually knows the lyrics to the song renders you no more insightful than a drunken member of a fraternity. From a metaphorical standpoint, Louie Louie has both real-life and after-life applications. As the story of a man alone on a ship who spends all his time longing for a return to his one true love, Louie Louie is the ultimate song about returning home short of Ozzy Osborn’s vastly more overt Mama, I’m Coming Home, but Louie Louie is, quite simply, a lot more fun. It is fun enough that it offers Jesus more than enough motivation to turn water into wine when hearing it. And if you are concerned that your soul is not worth saving, you are going to have a better chance winning over a Jesus that has had a few pints.    

18) The Sound Of Silence – Simon and Garfunkle

                No one sings for the lost, isolated youth of New York City better than Paul Simon and Art Garfunkle. No song represents the manifestation of the return of a modern day Jesus better that “The Sound of Silence”. When the Prophet returns, it will no doubt, resemble a lonely man who’s warnings of the end of days will fall on deaf ears much more than a widely accepted image of the one we call Jesus. Imagine a homeless man in the middle of New York constantly shouting “The end is near”. One of these days, that guy is going to be right, and acceptance of him is going to be the difference between salvation and torment. Now the only question is: which one of the hundreds of homeless soothsayers do we listen to?      

17) Higher and Higher – Jackie Wilson

                If it is good enough for the Ghostbusters to use to walk the Statue of Liberty though New York Harbor on its way to the Manhattan Museum of Art, then it is good enough for Jesus. Appropriately enough, the iconic scene from Ghostbusters II was a successful effort to stop the chain of events leading to the end of the world. And since movies are always right, we can put our full faith behind Jackie Wilson and his signature song about emotional elevation. And of course, lyrically, the writing can effortlessly be interpreted as a homage to the Lord, so it has that going for it, which is nice.     

16) I’m Waiting For My Man – The Velvet Underground

                Despite the fact that Lou Reed obviously wrote this about a drug dealer, it has a pretty prominent Samuel Beckettean Waiting For Godot quality to it, the only difference is, in the song, the person they are waiting for actually does arrive and takes them away to a better place. Need I say more?

15) Atlantis - Donovan

                Less about the Rapture than about the natural extinction of a civilization, this Donovan narrative is more secular than spiritual. While the common sentiment is that the destruction of the world will be caused by a higher power, there is more than enough evidence to support an argument for the natural decomposition of the Earth. When factoring in human elements including overpopulation, pollution, and sprawling industry, it is only a matter of time before we become more than our inherited stomping grounds can handle. While the lost city of Atlantis is likely fictional, it acts as an appropriate hypothetical warning for the days to come not unlike George Orwell’s iconic 1984 or Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax if that is more your speed.

14) Somewhere Over The Rainbow – Judy Garland

                A provocative conundrum: our hero, Dorothy, laments her desire to find herself in a better place than Kansas. She believes her dream has come true when she awakes in the Technicolor world of Oz only to ultimately discover that there truly is “no place like home” on Uncle Henry and Aunt Em’s sepia farm. This begs the question: if and when we do find ourselves in the ultimate paradise, what is to keep us from longing to be back in our comparatively bland yet familiar mortal homes? Sure, we may have a place in God’s Kingdom, but is that really Heaven when we leave behind everyone and everything we know? And us with no ruby slippers to send us back to Kansas.    

13) After Midnight – Eric Clapton

                As far as I know in my 7 ½ seconds of dedicated/serious research, familyradio.com has not offered an exact time for the Rapture except to say it will be sometime between midnight on May 21 and midnight on May 22. The common sensibility in these cases is usually that it will happen at exactly midnight because it sounds vastly more interesting than, say, 1:23pm, and my money is on Jesus wanting to make a big entrance. If we ignore the painfully obvious question of “midnight where?” we can anticipate some crazy events when the clock strikes twelve. And soon-there-after we will finally know what “it’s all about”.

12) Paradise City – Guns N Roses

                Axl Rose, ever the modern day poet, composed what is roughly the most overt rags to riches, “take me to a better place” song of the 1980’s. There is not a lot of subtext to be discussed with this song despite the fact that Rose believed himself to be an artist. It is, though, refreshing to hear a “metal” song about travelling up instead of travelling down. Plus, the idea that Axl Rose himself could have a soul worth saving really does give hope to the rest of us dregs.  

11) Crossroads – Cream

                The metaphor of the crossroad is perhaps the most effective unofficial religious abstract known to man. Ever since Robert Johnson claimed to sell his soul to the Devil at a crossroads, the image has been a permanent fixture in American blues. Its significance is pretty self-explanatory: life is a journey and the final destination is the result of a series of directions we choose to take. Of course, if the subject of Robert Johnson comes up while discussing your mortal resume with St. Peter, it is probably better playing dumb. I doubt the Lord looks too kindly on mortals trading their souls for guitar skills. That is the very reason it is better to have this Cream version in your “End of Days” mix instead of the original by Johnson himself.

10) Graceland – Paul Simon

                Rounding out the top 10 is the title song on Paul Simon’s best solo album. While, to the untrained ear, it sounds like the story of a guy on an odyssey to the redneck Mecca, but one must remember what Graceland means to so many people. Graceland is not simply the Elvis version of the Neverland Ranch. Graceland is the Kingdom of the man, who many people believe to be, a living God. Graceland is not a place people go to see where where and how Elvis lived; Graceland is a place people go to find something about themselves. It is less a historical monument like Monticello, it is more a spiritual home like Disney World. Graceland is the story of a lost and lonely man, like so many millions of people,  searching for something more, searching for meaning, searching for faith, and he believes, for no conceivable reason that we will all be received in Graceland.  

9) I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2

                Who among us has not had a crisis of faith? Who among us has not questioned that which we have been taught and led to believe our whole lives? Who among us has, at least once in our lives, felt somewhat unsatisfied with our own faith? This is one of the problems with faith. It is predominantly based on a lack of concrete evidence rather than an abundance. To be people of faith we are expected to nearly ignore that which is classified as factual and follow that which is irrational. And we are to do so without the benefit of instant gratification which is a problem for those of us who prefer over-night delivery. Bono is clearly an individual who prefers expedited shipping as well. His mantra of trying to live life as a man of faith but coming up feeling unfulfilled is a tidy way to remind, not only the higher powers, but also ourselves that it is natural and human to falter in our beliefs and faith in life’s meaning. And once we find peace with our beliefs, it only acts to strengthen our personal spirituality.

Added Bonus:

If you are like most people, you are probably most familiar with the version off The Joshua Tree, but for a real treat I suggest spinning Rattle and Hum which fills the song out with a full Gospel choir. Of course the best part of a Gospel choir in a pop song is the one lady who absolutely owns it, and this version is no exception.    

8) I’ll Take You There – The Staple Singers

                The most interesting thing about this Staple Singers classic is the description of their version of Heaven. It is limited to only three holy offerings: in Heaven 1) nobody is crying 2) nobody is worried and 3) no smiling faces are lying to the races. I find it interesting that to Mavis Staples, these simple traits define of the ultimate paradise. A lot can be said about a person and their life experiences based on their idea of Heaven. The opening credits of “O Brother Where Art Thou” is underscored by “Big Rock Candy Mountain” about a place with a lake of stew, no short-handled shovels, and a jail made of tin. When listening to the lyrics, you can pretty well guess that the narrator is not exactly an aristocrat. His dream is the simple things: food to eat, rest from manual labor, and a life without fear of imprisonment. One can imagine that growing up as a black family in Chicago in the 1950’s and 60’s, the Staple Singers faced much different living circumstances than most of us are familiar with today including poverty, social and financial stressors, and racial tension. The message is simple: Heaven is equality and equality is Heaven.  

7) Rescue Me – Fontella Bass

                I failed in my effort to avoid suggesting songs that are a part of Sister Mary Clarence’s repertoire for St. Katherine’s Catholic convent choir, but there was no avoiding this one. I will give full credit to the writers of Sister Act for recognizing the spiritual applications of this song. By using it to tell the story of a group of nuns who find a deeper connection with God through popular music, the creators of Sister Act have already articulated everything I could hope to say about this song. With that I tip my hat to writer Paul Rudnick. But the final tally isn’t in yet; I have 24 other songs, and Sister Act 2 was terrible.   

6) Knockin on Heaven’s Door – Bob Dylan

                Could I possibly rank a top 25 list and not include at least one Bob Dylan song in the top 10? No, especially when considering that Dylan was an artist who was born and raised in a Jewish household, renounced his faith as a young adult, and then was reborn following a near fatal motorcycle accident. Knockin on Heaven’s Door is the ultimate song of repentance for a sinful life. It is only after recognizing sins that we are free to renounce them, but often times we are wholly unaware of our own tribulations until we are faced with our own mortality. It is not until we release the contents of Pandora’s box that we recognize the evils we have brought into the world. Knockin On Heaven’s Door is the perfect story of a man who has reached the winter of his life and realizes he has to lay down his arms in order to make his peace with God. Interestingly, when we look at the title/chorus of the song, notice that the word "knocking" is active as opposed to passive indicating that by making his peace he is now ready to ask permission to enter Heaven. The door is not already open to him as is so often the case in poetry and song, but rather he must clear the slate that is his life in order to ask to pass through to the other side.

Added Bonus:

If there is one thing that has always been bothersome about this song it is that the recorded studio version is short. At a scant 2 verse 2 chorus composition, it feels incomplete, especially for Dylan. It almost feels like the listener is being cheated out of something more. Luckily there are a bevy of live versions available that are much more complete. But do yourself a favor: but do not, I repeat do not listen to the Guns N Roses version. It will only hurt the chances of someone answering Heaven’s door for you.         

5) Spirit In The Sky – Norman Greenbaum

                This song has taught us one beautiful and universal truth about the path to eternal life: No matter who the person, no matter what the faith, no matter how devoted to one belief anyone may be, everyone can love Jesus. Faith is not fact despite what the entire population of South Carolina will tell you. The problem, of course, is that there are exactly as many different faiths as there are people in the world all with a different set of beliefs and different degrees of importance for each belief. God may be universal, but faith is individual. The result of this individuality is that roughly every person on the planet is wrong when it comes to spirituality, but that is no reason to be barred from Paradise. In case you were unaware, Spirit In The Sky is about love and devotion to Jesus Christ, and Norman Greenbaum is Jewish. In case you were further unaware, Jews have a tendency to not exactly recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. It is a small snag, but a relatively important one to remember. When I think of God, I think of my high school geometry teacher (also Jewish) in the sense that even though I was usually wrong about what he was teaching he didn’t expect that I would understand geometry until after he taught it. He recognized the importance of not just pre-requisite knowledge of geometry, but also the adaptability to adapt to different geometric and mathematical laws. If God truly is merciful and at all understanding, He is aware that the presence of faith is more important than the tenets of faith, and the ability to adapt to spiritual evidence and circumstances is vastly more important than living a life locked into a singular set of beliefs. It shouldn’t matter what we believe in, as long as we believe.

4) Bad Moon Rising – Creedence Clearwater Revival

               This song was the catalyst for this whole list. Less spiritual and more physical, Bad Moon Rising is a premonition; an omen of the inevitable end. Ironically enough, we as a culture have a difficult time recognizing macrocosms as evidence for something more. In the last few years we have seen devastating earthquakes, floods, and hurricanes. We have seen huge groups of animals spontaneously die with no explanation. We have seen icebergs melt, waters rise, disease spread, and nature vanish.  We have bore witness to some of the strangest and most horrifying events the world has ever known, and yet the concept of the end is considered ridiculous. What will it take before our collective conscience prepares for the worst? What does mankind need to experience in order to recognize the coming apocalypse? Stranger yet,  we have a tendency to examine individual events and reduce them to isolated incidents with rational explanations when we should be examining the grand scale of events as a singular forewarning of a bleak future. Because the only people that justify events as “acts of God” are religious zealots and insurance companies, we should, for the time, take God out of the equation and recognize that everything ages and everything decays including the Earth. It really is only a matter of time before Mother Earth collapses on herself. I will go on record and say I am not one of the few disciples of Harold Camping and his May 21 premonition. I don’t follow Nostradamus on Twitter. And I didn’t merge my Google calendar with that of the Mayans, but I am rational, and rationale points to the world ending someday. It probably won’t be today, and odds are it won’t be tomorrow, but it will happen someday. We can take comfort in knowing that we will get some kind of warning when it is about to happen. Maybe some bad weather and earthquakes or something…

3) Eclipse – Pink Floyd

                It doesn’t take a doctoral degree in music to figure out that Pink Floyd’s masterpiece Dark Side of The Moon is about life’s journey from birth. Based on that, it only takes a 2.0 middle school GPA to figure out that the final song on the album is about dying. To be fair, it is less about the end than it is about travelling to the unknown, the other side, the “dark” side of the moon. Eclipse is a lot of things. It is powerful. It is the climax of arguably the greatest album ever recorded, but more than that, it is complete. It is complete in a way that only the final song on a concept album about life could be. Yet even as the final curtain of an epic melodrama, it is vague. There are no clear statements about God or Heaven or a lack thereof. All we are left with is the singular statement that “everything under the sun is in tune when the sun is eclipsed by the moon” before fading to the sound of a heartbeat and the very subtle spoken “there is no dark side of the moon, really, as a matter of fact it’s all dark”. It is as vague and unknowing as knowledge of an afterlife itself. Therefore, while the full piece is a final exclamation point at the end of an amazing sentence, it is also an ellipse that trails off only to be finished by one’s own psyche. Regardless of what one believes about an afterlife, about Heaven or Hell, about reincarnation, or about nothing at all, the only truth we know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that we don’t know. There is no definitive answer. There is only a mysterious unexplored question mark.

Sidebar:

yes, I have seen Dark Side of Oz, no, I am not impressed by it as it diminishes the power and significance of both Dark Side and The Wizard of Oz, so please stop asking me every time I say I like Pink Floyd.      

2) The End – The Beatles

                You knew it had to happen eventually. No list of songs is complete without the Beatles, and no list can be taken seriously if the Beatles are not in the top 5 at least once. And what a song to choose. While Eclipse may be a complete song, this is a complete ending in the truest sense of the word. It is the last (real) song on the last (real) album by the last (real) band that has had that much of a profound effect on humanity as the Beatles. Plus it is called The End, so there is that. Unfortunately, being an amazing band isn’t enough of a qualification to make the “Apocalypse mix” dream team, otherwise we would have seen appearance by The Rolling Stones, The Who, Neil Young, and Rebecca Black. Luckily the Beatles are the Beatles because they knew how to finish a career in style with what is probably the simplest yet most profound lesson on how to live life to the fullest. It is a message that can be embraced by just about any with a set of ears and a beating heart: “and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”. It is so easy. It is the lesson we should be teaching our children from birth. It is akin to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, but it is more powerful. “Do unto others” is hypothetical. It says we should treat others the way we want them to treat us, but it ends with that. There is no incentive. There is no payout. And there is no finale, but The End taps into the only thing that is important when we find ourselves on our deathbed. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, at the end of life, the most important thing to anyone with even an ounce of humanity is the love of family and friends. Not money. Not fame. Not recognition of a successful life. It is why survived family members are referred to as “loved ones”. It is why “I love you” is the last thing we say to a family member who is dying. We know it is what our families want to hear because it is all we want to hear. In the moment before our own final golden slumber, it is all that matters and the only way to achieve it is by loving others. That is a lesson that even Jesus can embrace even if it does come from a band that was more popular than Him.  

And the number 1 song to welcome back the Lord and savior:

1)   My Boyfriend’s Back – The Angels

                For anyone who has faced ridicule for their beliefs. For anyone who has been mocked for praying in public. For anyone who has ever had their faith subject to harassment by others, this is your anthem. It is perfect. While others may have had fun at the expense of you and your beliefs, you will get the last laugh when He returns and teaches everyone the ultimate lesson about faith and devotion. This song is the epitome of devotion and loyalty. If the Christian faith is to be believed, nothing spells golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in the clouds quite like unconditional faith. And while your mortal life may have been filled with Veruca Salts, Augustus Gloops, and Mike Teevees, if you follow His rules and remember what is really important, your elevator has no place to go but up. Anyone who has read the scriptures knows that God is a big believer in testing mortals. Whether it be sending the Israelites to wander the desert for 40 years, instructing Moses to build an arc, or letting Satan temp Jesus in the woods, our Father is a glutton for mind games, and the only way to come out the other side smelling like roses is to reaffirm your devotion to Him. The odds are not in our favor. The world is filled with temptation. Filled with sin. Filled with alluring traps designed to send us astray. And just as the final twist of the knife, God gave us the one thing that could really throw a wrench in the gears of a good life: He gave us a choice. We can choose evil over good. We can choose wrong over right. We have the freedom to abandon Yoda and follow the dark side. We have the freedom to join Darth Vader on the Death Star, and we don’t even have a hologram Obi Wan to remind us of the power of The Force. But God doesn’t accept that. If Christians got it right, God expects that we choose good over evil. He accepts must choose the righteous path over temptation, but it isn’t easy. Many of us fail, but there are a select few who remain devout despite all the odds. They are God’s chosen people. They are the real Jedi. And their day will come when Jesus returns to save them from the rest of the sinners and show us all the error of our ways. Hey-la, hey-la.      

I spent a lot of time thinking about this list, but it is a drop in the bucket compared to how much time and energy I have devoted to something else. I don’t know what will happen in the coming minutes, hours, days, months, or years. Neither do you. Neither does Harold Camping, Neither does anyone else. Camping has stated that the return of Jesus on May 21 is a “guarantee”. I am thrilled for him. I congratulate him on being able to pinpoint the time that his faith is ultimately questioned, but it is exactly that: his faith. If your faith tells you that the Jesus will return to judge us all, I encourage you to continue in that belief. If your faith tells you that the universe is in a constant state of rebirth and reformation, I embrace your right to have that faith. If your faith tells you that no greater power exists in the universe and we are a random collection of molecules, I raise a glass to you. As long as you remember that your faith is your faith, I applaud each and every one of you.

The biggest issue we run into when it comes to spirituality is when faith is treated as fact. Faith is not now nor will it ever be fact no matter how many billboards you buy or how much time you spend interpreting the scriptures, that is why it is called faith. I recall in time in college when I was having a discussion with my roommate’s devout sister about religion which was started because my computer’s screen saver at the time was a scrolling text that read “Thank God for Atheism”. I was a lot more clever in those days. I remember she said something to me that I will never forget. She was telling me about a friend of hers who is an Atheist. She gave him credit because “He doesn’t believe in God, but he can really back it up”, and I remember thinking “Why does he need to back it up?” At what point did our collective conscience decide that people needed to justify their beliefs? Why does a person simply saying “I don’t believe in God” render them a fraud if they can’t then rattle off factual information proving that he is right? Like it or not, Atheism is as much a religious belief as any other and deserves to be respected as much as any other.

 You are free and encouraged to have faith if it leads you to a better, more fulfilled life. People need faith in something, even if it is faith in nothing. But our challenge as a people is not to eliminate beliefs we do not share, it is to eliminate judgment of beliefs that we do not share. Faith is a beautiful thing, but it is also a dangerous thing. If acted upon in the wrong way, it can lead to war, terrorism, genocide, and a general feeling of superiority over others. There are billions of people in the world at this very moment. Each and every person has faith in something. It may be Jesus. It may be Buddha. It may be Muhammad. It may be Ke$ha. Everyone believes in something, and no faith is universal. No faith is better. No Faith is worse. No faith is more or less true than any other. I encourage you to keep faith in you hearts, in your minds, in your souls, and in everything you do, but mostly, I encourage you to keep your faiths sacred and keep them to yourselves.