I know exactly one universal fact that will never change: there is no logical reason for anything that happens. Broad? Yes. Concise? Absolutely. Inaccurate? Most likely, but in my experience, logic has no place in reason. Let’s take a step back: When an object is dropped, it will fall to the ground. When water becomes very cold, it will freeze. When Yo-Yo Ma picks up a cello, he will rock in a way you never thought classical music could rock. These events do not require logic.
But when trying to rationalize why LaBron James signed with the Miami Heat, or why Lady Gaga is so popular in the gay community, or why some people think Dane Cook is funny, there is simply no logical rationale. Realizing of course this is not a negative trait at all, it is simply a null set which transcends explanation. If you asked 100 gay men why they like Lady Gaga you would receive a different answer almost 100% of the time including responses along the lines of “I don’t like Lady Gaga” at least 20-30% of the time if not more. Why is this? Because there is no concrete universal answer. If you asked 100 sports analysts about LaBron’s Miami move each will give you a separate and unique reaction, but that is because there is no definitive, all encompassing explanation. This is a fact of life that has consistently proven true time and time again. There is no universal logic, so logic is null, and therefore nothing matters.
So I joined a dating website. Why? For exactly no reason what-so-ever. Literally. I am not lonely. I work in theatre and meet very attractive and usually single women on a regular basis. I have no interest in meeting any of the women I find on a dating website. I have been on the site exactly 3 times and have never contacted nor been contacted by any members. And I sure didn't pay a subscription fee. I joined a dating site for no other reason than to join a dating site; to see what the future, or at the very least, the present, of internet dating was about.
The internet age and I grew up together. I remember getting my first dial-up modem for our home computer and signing up for a subscription to America Online when I was about 10. I vividly recall the rise of the “chat room predator” paranoia among America’s parents. Every week there seemed to be new stories on the news about a 50+ man posing as someone else and luring 12 year old girls away from home. This was a time when seeing the typed phrase “I want 2 meet you” was the single most horrifying thing a parent could ever see on a computer screen. The idea that anyone would pay money to get together with other people they met on the internet was absolutely unheard of.
But as a much wiser man than I once said “The times they are a-changing.” Culture and experience evolved, and online dating became one of the biggest and most prominent online industries of the last 20 years even edging out internet pornography. Yes, Americans spend more money on virtual dating (an average of $239 per person per year) than they do on porn. Take that Dateline NBC.
In this country an estimated 40 million people are currently involved in some sort of cyber dating service. With 20 million registered members, eHarmony.com tops the list of sites. Almost 53% of online daters (who will henceforth be referred to as eDaters) are adult men, and the average age is 48.
Culture evolves just as nature evolves. What was once unknown and forbidden territory now becomes commonplace. We, as people, do not run scared from the new and unknown, we embrace it, we learn from it, we profit from it, and then we exploit it. With cultural acceptance comes cultural exploitation. Like any industry who’s success depends entirely on a nameless faceless consumer population, and especially any industry who’s end result is seeing someone else naked: we lie. We lie a lot.
It is easy to find data about the most common lies people tell about themselves on dating websites. A quick Google search with wield dozens of sites about the biggest lies told and how to spot a lie. It is as though the dishonesty of eDating is equally as accepted as eDating itself. The lies are statistically measured, and the results are to be expected: Men lie most about their age, height, and income, women lie most about their weight, physical stature, and age. It seems obvious why people would lie about themselves: the more attractive (physically or otherwise) I make myself the more messages of interest I will receive from the opposite sex. However, logic has no place in reason.
By a resounding majority, people of both sexes will say that honesty or trust is the most important part of a successful relationship. The second most important thing is communication. So let’s review: of the roughly 70% of people surveyed by Topdatingtips.com who said they would try eDating, where lying and dishonesty is an accepted practice and connections are made through individuals silently browsing two-dimensional profiles alone before sending an e-mail to a person of interest, most would count honesty and strong communication as the two most important aspects they look for when establishing a relationship. Logic has no place in reason.
Now, skipping past the obvious conclusion that any and all lies about one’s physicak appearance will be immediately debunked upon the initial meeting of the two eDaters, the stats on eRelationship successes are fascinating. It is like dating on crystal meth. eHarmony claims that connections have led to as many as 236 members being married each day (though little evidence supports this claim, looks like members aren’t the only ones lying about themselves). A recently survey found that 30% of female eDaters has slept with a man they met online on the first meeting; 80% of whom did not use any form of protection. If that sounds like a quick turn-around, how about the fact that the average eCourtship leading to marriage is approximately 18.5 months compared to 42 months for those of us who date the old-fashioned way? This all from an industry built on that which was everyone’s biggest fear 20 years ago.
There is no question that the internet has changed the way mankind communicates more than any other tool since the invention of the telephone. My generation saw the rise of AIM, e-mail, Napster, Facebook, Myspace, Facebook again, Craigslist, E-bay, YouTube, Pandora, Chatroulette, and the list goes on and on. The internet has changed the way we talk to friends and family, the way we buy and sell goods, the way we watch television and movies, the way we listen to and acquire music. why shouldn’t dating be next?
The internet has not only changed how we do things, but it changed us as well. Shy kids who were too terrified to call a member of the opposite sex (or same sex as it were) were able to freely eChat well into the night via AIM without even thinking twice. They actually became more social by sitting silently alone in a dark room at a computer. We became a more connected society, but we became a more passive society as well. Calling someone on the phone became unnecessary, even too aggressive compared to IMing someone. Why confront someone in person when you can simply send them an e-mail? Why go to the store when you can buy anything you need from Amazon.com and have it shipped right to you? And now with eDating, the biggest obstacle has been conquered. Too timid to go out and meet people? Too shy to ask someone out on a date? Just sign-up for eHarmony and your problems are solved, just let eHarmony do the heavy lifting for you. They have set up a way to passively ask out and passively accept or reject anyone you want. We are slowly moving towards a society where no one has to vocally say anything to anyone at all. The internet has managed to simultaneously bring the world together and isolate everyone who embraces it. As much as some would still caution against it, eDating is not simply a part of modern society, it IS modern society, and for no other reason than because it is there. Logic has no place in reason.
Certainly, an inescapable stigma still lingers at the idea of “meeting someone online,” and the dangers of being scammed through the written word have not, in anyway decreased (many would argue the opposite to be true), but we are different now. We are better suited to recognize how to spot potential danger online. I don’t know too many people these days who click on a pop-up ad to “win a FREE iPod” or “meet sexy singles in your area” where as 10 years ago we may have been more susceptible rather than suspect.
Recently, I had a conversation with a cousin of mine who is roughly 15 years older than I and who has 2 young children. We began discussing guarding against internet predators and how she fears that she has absolutely no way to protect her children from being lured in by someone who wants to do the unthinkable to them. This is, no doubt, still a universal fear among parents, especially parents who were not born into the internet generation the way her kids were. My immediate thinking was this: rather than banning your children from going into chat rooms and conversing with strangers, try encouraging them to. Lead that charge in protecting your loved ones by embracing culture rather than retreating from it and fearing it.
When I was a kid in the 1980’s, the golden rule was simple: don’t talk to strangers. Simple, straightforward, easy to remember. If you are a stranger I am not talking to you, period, end of story. But this reasoning is flawed. Reality is much more complex than can be summed up into a four word statement. Yes, for the most part, it is a good defense for a kid to stay away from adults they don’t know, but not always. What about strangers in uniform? What about strangers of authority? What about strangers who are there to help you rather than harm you? Children need to learn that there is a big difference between a stranger with a trench coat and a stranger with a badge. There is a big difference between a rusted out 1987 Oldsmobile and a police squad car. But mostly, children need to learn that if they are in danger, they know who they can tell, and parents and families aren’t always around when something happens, and in fact usually parents and families aren’t around when something happens. There are good strangers and there are bad strangers, and the only way a child can really learn how to differentiate between the two is by learning the tell signs.
An internet chat room is like a game of poker. You can’t see the hand anyone else is holding, but if you play the game long enough you learn that there are always telling signs to know when someone is bluffing, and by learning these signs, you have a better chance at winning. Children can easily learn what signs to look out for. They can become acutely aware of what they should avoid in order to stay out of trouble. Just as I learned how to stay clear of the wrong strangers in the outside world, children can and should learn how to steer clear of danger in the cyber world without being technologically left behind. Give them the proper tools and kids can accomplish just about anything. “Teach your children well.”
Screws fall out all of the time, the world is an imperfect place, and despite statistical analysis and public polling, no universal rationale exists in the world because outliers have always and will always exist. There is a solid guarantee that 90-99% of everyone you will find on a dating website is there for the same reason you are. They are looking for love in the final refuge of the lonely, but no place on Earth or in cyberspace is 100% safe no matter how hard you try. This is a fact that everyone already knows but no one wants to accept. We want people we meet online to be honest. We want that perfect man or woman with everything we have always desired to be there waiting to be discovered by us. Of course if they are there waiting for us, we need to look our best, so we tell little fibs. We lie about how tall we are, how much we weigh, how much we drink or smoke, our religious preferences, how much money we make because we know that when we find Mr. or Ms. Right, the lies won’t matter; they will love us regardless. So there we are, sitting alone at a computer hoping the honest, trustworthy true life soulmates will fall passioantely and helplessly in love with the dishonest image of ourselves… Logic has no place in reason.
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